Heartbreak and Horses
Let’s just say, chasing equine dreams isn’t for the faint of heart. Those of you that have a passion for competition and horses know what I’m talking about. But whether your big aspirations are with horses or not, the reality is that anyone that has ever chased any dream faces more adversity than success. The true difference is that champions learn how to turn those heartbreaks and setbacks into golden opportunities. I spent a lot of my earlier years crying over spilled milk, so to say. But throughout out all the challenges, I have learned how to transform beliefs that hold me back into beliefs that propel me forward. You see when a door closes, it means another one is opening somewhere else. And the more time we spend staring in disbelief at the closed door, or trying to force it open, the more time we waste. The more we prolong our journey to our destination.
Once upon a time, a long time ago, I had a badass barrel horse named Dreamer. She was one of the toughest, quirkiest, and most amazing horses I ever rode. She was a little crazy and unbelievably talented. She gave me the gift of what it feels like to be a champion. She could blow the first barrel by 2 strides and still win the race! She qualified me for high school state every year. Each time, all we had to do was keep the barrels standing to make it to Nationals. Sadly, we continually failed to do so. I spent weeks, months, and years replaying those runs and re-living the heartbreak, instead of looking forward to the future and preparing for the next opportunity. By the time I went to college, Dreamer was 21. A little age didn’t stop her. She won me the Rocky Mountain Region by over 300 points my junior year and finished 13th at nationals. Once again, I barely fell short of my goal. My senior year, Dreamer started slowing down a little but we were able to solidify winning the region again with help from Vegas. A familiar feeling of heartbreak as Vegas and I tipped the first round at Nationals. After that, I wanted to allow Dreamer to step down with grace. I let a family friend run her a little bit. I love to give younger girls a chance to ride great horses! Shortly after that, I decided to retire Dreamer. I wanted nothing more than to get a baby out of her. We tried and tried but no success. One day I came home and saw her head bobbing lame. She could barely walk! My heart sank. She was so tough that one time she broke her splint bone and never even took a lame step or refused to go in. She just slowed down a half second which led to me getting her checked out and finding the almost-healed, broken, splint bone. So when I seen her in that condition, I knew it was bad. For the first time, ever, I had to make the dreaded decision no one wants to make. I had to put her down and say goodbye to one of my best friends. I decided then and there that I would never attempt breeding again. The letdown was too much to bear. When someone dies, you don’t just grieve the loss of them. You also grieve all of the creations and legacies they had yet to give.
Never Say Never
Fast forward about 10 years. An exciting, yet unexpected pregnancy got me a little overwhelmed. I’ve always had a herd of horses but a very difficult pregnancy helped me realize things weren’t going to be the same and I wasn’t equipped to be responsible for 7 head. Begrudgingly, I put a few up for sale. More closed doors because I couldn’t take some of them as far as I wanted. Another lesson in letting go. Some sold fast and to my surprise, something beautiful happened. I got to experience that thing I’ve often heard other horse trainers talk about; how rewarding it is to see your horses go on with someone else that truly adores them. I am enjoying that more than I ever expected. One horse in particular, however, refused to leave no matter how hard I tried. Closed door after closed door. I had to overcome a lot of blame towards people and situations that seemed to interfere with what I thought was best. Situations in which other peoples’ choices greatly affected me. In the past couple years, I’ve had some really tough experiences mixing horse deals and friendships. It’s heartbreaking when you come to find out that your goals and values no longer align with people you were once very close to. But one of the greatest universal gifts is that there is always a silver lining. These experiences made me realize that we all have different ideas, standards, and expectations on not only friendships, but also business. Much conflict can arise when relationships once solely-based on friendship cross over into equine business. Sometimes you get to see different sides of people through those types of interactions. But more importantly than that, is looking at your own self during those times and figuring out how to rise up. I’ve personally learned to be more assertive and a better communicator. I’ve learned to forgive and let go of things that no longer serve my best and highest good. I’ve learned to allow people to show me who they are with their actions and believe them without judgement or resentment. I’ve learned sometimes the best friends are the ones that push you to be a better version of yourself through disappointing you. I still look back and cherish these people, just in a different way than before. I am forever grateful they taught me these tough lessons and led me in a direction I never would have originally gone. Where I’m headed is far greater than where I’ve been.
But the other side to the coin is, I’ve also had to be the reason that doors closed and opportunities ended for people that I love and admire. It’s just as hard, if not harder, as having a door closed on myself. I have been blessed beyond measure and have always had a desire to share with others. However, more often than not in life, I would give at my own expense for fear of not being liked, viewed as selfish, or misunderstood. As I take on these next big goals and projects, I’ve had to make really hard decisions that affected others, hoping and praying they understand and can find their own silver lining.
Destiny & Lemonade
While, I could give example after example of doors closing, I’m sure you’ve experienced enough of your own that you don’t need to re-live mine to get the message. The truth of the matter is that we do have a destiny. Destiny to me is like the bumper guards at the bowling alley. They keep the ball rolling down a certain lane and don’t allow the ball to get too off track. But what does that look like in life? It looks like missed opportunities, closed doors, and often times heartbreak. It looks like situations that are out of our control. It looks like broken friendships, unfair circumstances, and random tragedies. However, there is still free will. Free will at the bowling alley gives us plenty of area to play with. It also allows us to use whatever technique we want to get the ball to the pins. So too, does free will in life allow us plenty of area to make different choices. We cant always control the doors that close. But we can always control our perspective towards closed doors. Just because things don’t turn out the way we expect them to, doesn’t mean they wont turn out better!
So a long series of closed doors has led me to what is beginning to feel like a big part of my purpose, for now. This is my lemonade….
…because it really does feel like I took something so bitter and with the help of alchemy, created something so sweet.
Two precious stud colts out of two mares that are so special to me. They haven’t won world titles, set arena records, or have astronomical LTE’s. But they are my winners! They’ve won futurities, derbies, and rodeos. They’ve been my travel buddies for years and we’ve lived on the road together. They’ve seen a lot of horses come and go. But more importantly than all of that, they have been my calm amidst my life’s greatest storms. They’ve seen me through addiction, grief, and depression. They’ve alleviated life’s anxiety. They’ve brightened my darkest days. They’ve given me a reason to live when I wanted to give up. They’ve given me their entire heart and soul when mine was beyond broken. They’ve seen me through to this other side, where miracles continually manifest. As I take a step back and look at it, they picked up right where Dreamer left off. So who’s to say Dreamer’s spirit wont sprinkle a little of her stardust onto these babies? Her legacy has continued, just not the way I expected it to. I’m seeing it in a new context for the first time. While all that heartbreak was happening, this laid in waiting for me. Holding my little boy’s hand as we walk out into the pasture so I can introduce my son to their sons…that is a moment I will remember and cherish forever.
On the left is Holyfield, Vegas’ boy, by Shawnee Bug Leo. I got to see him be born in the pasture on June 5th. A true sight to see! On the right is Bug’s boy, Flux, by Blazin Jetolena that was born on March 20th, 10 days before Hendrixx’s second birthday. This is just a simple reminder to never say never because never did I think in my wildest dreams that I would start breeding. If life isn’t continually surprising you…are you really even living?
Dashing Misty Isle aka Vegas