The Easter Angel : A Gift From the Other Side

Divine Encounters

I had no idea what was about to unfold when two, sweet strangers walked into our ‘camp’ at the Red Desert Classic Futurity in Rock Springs, WY. I was introduced to Erica Jaure and her sister, Brianna, and the conversation turned to Erica’s equine breeding program and some babies she had for sale. Stacy, a kindred spirit I had also just met, was in the market for one, so we made plans to stop at the Jaure ranch on the way back to Lynn Kohr’s. I was just along for the ride and happy to be headed back to Lynn’s to spend quality time with her and the kids. The past couple months had been some of the hardest of my life and time with her family often left me feeling overwhlemed with love and closer to God…

“A true friend is the greatest of all blessings”

“Surround yourself with people who make you happy”

“If you’re not having fun, it’s not worth doing”

…just what I needed.

Lynn mentioned this would be a great opportunity for me to look at buying another futurity prospect, as well. I had wanted another one, for awhile, and had even picked one out almost a year, previously. They had brought her in to put time on her for me and she had come up sore. The prognosis wasn’t great. I was super bummed about it but a couple months later my entire world was shattered. Tj, my soul-mate, was diagnosed with cancer and we picked up and moved to Utah so that he could undergo chemo at The Huntsman. Apparently, what I thought had been bad luck was actually a blessing in disguise. There’s no way I could have taken on another horse, let alone a 2 year old, at that time. It’s often beneficial to gracefully accept doors closing because we can’t always see the bigger picture. I clearly didn’t see it then and what was coming together for me was far grander than I could ever imagine….

“I’m not really interested in a young horse, right now,” I told Lynn.

After Tj’s passing two months before, it felt like it took everything I had just to keep my head above water. I was still barrel racing because it took my mind off my broken heart. Bug (Fantastic News), my derby horse, was taking me on an incredible journey and running with some tough horses trained by people I really looked up to. However, the struggle was real and it was difficult to take care of 3 horses because most of my energy was spent on just getting out of bed in the morning. Bug had been my first, and only, futurity horse I had trained and she was a lot of fun but also a lot of work! I couldn’t fathom doing that again in the current state I was in.

“Well, maybe you should just get on one and lope it around,” she suggested.

“In my shorts and tennis shoes?” I replied.

“Why not?” was her response.

It seemed quite reasonable and I doubted anything would come from it but maybe it would help me when the timing was right.

“I’ll try the palomino,” I decided. To be completely honest, I thought she was cute but it definitely wasn’t love at first sight. My mind was somewhere else. I hopped on blondie. I kicked her into a lope and she kicked up a little. Typically, this would frighten me on a horse I didn’t know but all I could do was giggle. I knew she was playing with me and I kinda liked it. As I loped her both ways and made that first stop, something unexpected happened…

….I fell in love.

True horse people know exactly what I’m talking about. A presence comes over you. The moment your soul connects with theirs…that’s when the magic happens. And you just know. Without a doubt in your mind, you know that you’re not picking that horse…THAT horse is picking YOU. I know I must have been grinning ear to ear. I hopped off her and walked over to Lynn and Erica.

“How’s she bred again?” I asked as blondie laid her sweet head against my shoulder. Now, I was actually interested. But did she really have to act so damn sweet to add to it?

“Her papers are up at the house but I do have her mom’s papers, here. Let me go grab them.”
I instantly began conversing with Tj from the other side. After seven years of making decisions together, I felt beyond overwhelmed having to make them on my own. And this was a BIG decision. I needed him, right now.

“Please help me, babe,” I said silently. “Is this a good idea?”…..

“Here they are,” Erica said as she returned and handed me the papers. I took one look and my eyes began to well up with tears. I don’t particularly like being emotional in front of people, let alone people I don’t really know. I had learned to grieve behind closed doors. But there was no stopping it. This is what I saw…

I believe there are Angels among us…

I don’t see a reference to angels on papers, very often. Was this a sign?

I had just received some money from Tj’s life insurance, but it wasn’t much. To be quite honest, I was so stricken with grief that it was very difficult to work my businesses, leaving me with very little wiggle room. I could sense he had supplied me with the money I needed to get her and wanted to get her for me, as a gift. I explained to Erica why it had hit me so hard to see that on her papers and she got emotional, too, saying this mares mom was very special to her. She wanted to see her loved. Lynn asked if I was ready to load her up. LOAD HER UP?! My open stall was full of stuff and I had no idea what I was going to do with her. I was beyond emotionally, spiritually, and physically exhausted. My rational mind kicked in and I thought about how my friends and family would think I was crazy loading up a new horse on a whim, especially under the circumstances.

“Let me get to Gillette and get settled for a bit and I will let you know, Erica”.
My mind was whirling. I hadn’t expected this to happen and now I had to ground and re-focus. Lynn smiled and offered to do whatever to help if I wanted to take her now. I think she knew it was a done deal but I just needed to pump the brakes for a minute. Grief and heavenly conversations have a tendency to make you feel a little crazy. Meanwhile, Stacy had picked out her mare in about five minutes with no hesitation. Coincidentally (or not), she was getting a horse in the memory of her Grandma and she had already named her mare, Bev, after her.

After a long weekend of barrel racing, we were all exhausted and ready to get back. So off we went, but blondie stayed on my mind for the rest of the drive. I conversed with Tj some more and tried to buy myself some time by telling him that if his truck sold, I would get her as soon as possible.

The Messenger of Joy and Compassion

It wasn’t long after, that I called my parents to tell them about the strange experience I had in Rawlins, WY. It got even stranger when they were astonished that I DIDN’T load her up that night. This was too bizarre. I spoke to a couple of friends and they all told me I needed to ‘GO GET THAT HORSE,’ which is exactly how Tj would have said it. Wasn’t anybody going to be rational about this?

A couple days later, I got the call saying there was a check on the counter for me. Despite the damage from that fateful night, Tj’s ‘other baby’ aka his smoke-grey Chevy truck was sold. It was a done deal. Pieces of my best friend and the life we created were continuing to fade away, leaving only cherished memories.

Knowing that this meant another family member would be joining us, gave me something to look forward to. But I was still trying to make sense of how I was going to manage everything. One day, as we were riding and chatting about blondie, Lynn told me she thought that this mare would be a much easier project than Bug had been. I had been sensing that, too, and asked her if she had noticed in her own training program how each individual horse seems to bring with it a significant virtue or lesson. She agreed, as I think any amazing horse trainer would. You see, it’s easy to get so caught up in doing the training, that we often forget to step back and ponder what WE should be learning. I went back to my first encounter with the mare. How would I define what it felt like to be on her back?

The instant knowing came…her virtues would be joy and compassion. Without a doubt, I knew she would bring balance to our family and be a daily reminder of what it’s like to feel joy and compassion, again. I had been losing my sense of that. That was a shame because what is life without joy? I could feel compassion for others and could feel when they felt it for me, but I no longer knew how to be compassionate with myself. This beautiful soul would aid me in healing from this deep, intense feeling of loss and hopelessness. She was an angel from heaven, for sure. It would only be fitting to name her after one.

If you’ve browsed my blog at all, you’ve noticed that I am an avid angel card reader. For the past few years, I have resonated with Archangel Haniel quite frequently throughout challenging times. I knew her name meant, “Glory” or “Grace of God” and that she represented spiritual growth and expansion. She is usually depicted with many animals surrounding her and open arms. It seemed perfect that she be named after Haniel (Hawn-ee-EL) and Hawnee, for short. It wasn’t until writing this entry, that I googled the name and found this…

“People sometimes ask for Haniel’s help to: develop and maintain harmonious relationships with God and other people, heal emotionally from stress and sorrow, discover creative inspiration for artistic projects, increase their productivity, enjoy humor, and find hope. Ultimately, Haniel helps people who are trying to find fulfillment find it through the joy of relationships with a loving God who wants the best for them.

Haniel is often depicted smiling or laughing, which illustrates her role as the angel of joy. She sometimes holds a rose, which symbolizes the joy and beauty of growing closer to God in a loving relationship with him. Haniel also is sometimes shown carrying a lit lantern, which represents how joy has the power to bring light into any circumstances, no matter how dark they may be.

Haniel helps people be victorious over their challenging circumstances. She gives them the confidence they need to trust God in any situation, expecting God to bring good purposes out of even the most difficult challenge. Haniel urges people to rely on God (who never changes) rather than on their emotions (which constantly change), so they can be joyful in relationships with a loving God, even when they’re not happy about their current circumstances. Another way that Haniel helps people achieve spiritual victory is by delivering enlightening messages from God to people’s minds. Haniel sends fresh ideas to people for creative projects, solving problems, and learning lessons.”

Our new girl had a perfect name and I was finally ready for her. Two months had passed and I had returned to Idaho, knowing that we were destined to be together and that finding a ride for her wouldn’t be no thang. I posted on FB and waited. After some time, a friend offered to bring her. Fate would have it that she would arrive one day before Tj’s birthday. That dirty dog!!! He was so silly about things like that. He loved to buy ME presents when it was supposed to be about HIM (some things never change, no matter how many realms hold us apart).

I remember having to work at the lash studio during the day and raced home to see her. I was so anxious that she might be upset about being tied up alone in an unfamiliar place but when I pulled into the driveway, there she was. Just standing calmly. She looked right at home.

Fate and an angel brought us together and this pretty little blonde stole my heart…

“You Said You Wanted a Baby”

Fast forward eight months later. I was living on the road, chasing my professional barrel racing dreams and trying to maintain four horses. My trusty assistant was my four-legged best friend. If I was going, we were all going. No one gets left behind. But it had all began to take a toll on me. We had started off by going to Texas to hopefully solidify the WPRA Derby Horse of the Year Award. I had set my sights on that goal at the beginning of the year. Bug was exceeding my expectations, placing just about everywhere we went and even winning her first saddle in the Non-Pro Futurity at The Southwest Desert Classic. That had really given me the confidence to become a professional and desire a place at the top of the WPRA Derby category. She had kept up with the big dogs the second half of the year and we were at the top. All I needed to do was get some points at the finals to make it a done deal. But after being in crazy Texas weather for a couple months, my horses became fatigued. I wasn’t entirely sure why nor was I experienced enough to know how to fix it. Needless to say, we weren’t able to get anything done and we dropped to third for the year-end. I maintained a positive attitude to the best of my ability because we had my rookie year of pro rodeos to look forward to. But things didn’t get any better there either. By the time April rolled around, I had spent all my savings with nothing to show and was feeling beyond defeated. On top of it, the one year anniversary of Tj’s passing, which I thought wouldn’t be a big deal, was a BIG DEAL.

For some, ridiculous reason, I wasn’t ready to give up on the rodeo road yet and left Arizona to do the California spring run. My plan was to stop-over at my friend, Erin’s, halfway to the first rodeo in Oakdale. The bomb she dropped on me was….well….a little unbelievable. We made the video below to share the big news with all our friends and family supporting us.

Just as I had conversed with Tj about the purchase of Hawnee, I got into a quiet space after filming this video and began questioning him.

“Babe! You picked out a pregnant horse for me?”

The response I heard, as clear as day in my head was, “You said you wanted a baby….and this was the best I could do”.

Tears streamed down my cheeks. I HAD wanted a baby. WE had wanted a baby. We had talked about it many times over the course of our relationship. We had talked about what it would be like. We had even talked about names. Zoey was the name I had picked out since I was a little girl. Tj knew this and we often talked about what our little Zoey would like. Some dreams are left unfulfilled….or are they?

Upon calling Erica, I found out she had sent Ms. Hawnee to Sheffield’s for some training. She thought the mare must have gotten bred during that time. I looked Jody up on Facebook, sent her a message, and saw a link to her website. The suspense of who my baby daddy might be was killing me! I had no idea that my crazy story was full-speed colliding with one helluva story of Jody and Jesse’s. The plot was about to thicken.

At the very top of her website, a tab caught my attention. It said, ‘Zoey’. That’s interesting, I thought as I clicked on it. I scrolled down and found this video. The first half I was just watching the story of a horses incredible climb to the top in the world and the next half I was getting goosebumps and bawling like a baby.

The story of Jody and Zoey touched me on so many different levels. The little cow bred mare that gave them hell and made it to the NFR…a true diamond in the rough. Jesse and Jody, barely making ends meet and never giving up, despite all the challenges. Believing more in faith than in fear and striving to leave a legacy with some of the greatest creatures to walk the Earth. A true story of struggle, success, inspiration, and ultimately, learning to let go. A story where the under-dogs are the ones you end up looking up to.

As I watched that video, I saw the pieces of this divine puzzle fitting together. I feel an overwhelmingly intense connection to these people I’ve never even met. And to these horses, I’ve never rode. It had to have taken a host of angels to bring this one about in a way as perfectly as it has all played out. Perhaps, Jesse’s brother and Tj crossed paths in Heaven, rallied the Angels, and devised this complex plan to further strengthen the legacies of J$ and Ridin on a Dream and the people and horses they could touch to make a difference in the world.

The Ganster Angel Baby

I knew the minute I found out Hawnee’s baby would be sired by a stud related to Jody’s Zoey, that it would be a filly. One of those inner knowings that you can’t rationally explain. From that moment on, it has been plain as day that this is Tj’s way of giving me my Zoey. Sometimes the strongest messages, aren’t spoken. What are the odds that it would be given to me right at the one-year anniversary of his death? Which just happens to be at Easter. I can’t even express in words the unbearable pain coursing throughout my heart, mind, body, and soul in the weeks leading up to this discovery. Then, just like that, there was light. And an outpouring of love from the warrior soul that came through like gang-busters into the dark to light my path. From the time when I was a lost, addicted teen until now.

A couple weeks later, Zoey II was born.

Death is a part of life. Loss is a part of love. None of us are exempt. And things don’t always turn out the way we expect them to. The biggest lesson you can learn is knowing that there will always be a light at the end of the tunnel. You just have to remember to look for it.

I’ll leave you with these poweful words from Jody when talking about her Zoey and their legacy. It resonates so strongly within my own heart, that I needn’t say much more.

“Zoey gave me life, she showed me what we can be if we can be if we believe….Travis and Jesse made a promise to each other to make the world a better place for horses, to not let people forget the ones that have come before and have given their life for that knowledge. Zoey came into this world a shining beacon of light that would lead us to greatness. We have the choice to die a little each day or one great death”.

**A BIG thank you to each and everyone of you that has contributed to this miraculous story. Here on Earth and up above. I am truly grateful for all the love, support, and never-ending adventures of this story I call, mine. Peace and love, soul sisters and brothers. Keep on shining, no matter what comes your way.