Forget the Funeral, Let’s Celebrate Life

When I Die

It was while we were getting ready for our friend, Brandon Stacey’s funeral, that the first conversation about it all began. I had lost grandparents before but the news of Brandon’s passing hit me so much differently. There’s just certain people that you expect to be around forever and Brandon was the fun-loving, brother-like personality that I thought I would always have time to reconnect with. It had been far too long since I had seen him and now it was time to say goodbye.

“I hate funerals,” I said.

“Me too”, Tj responded, “the’re usually so awkward”…

Tj’s uncomfortability wasn’t necessarily with himself feeling awkward. He didn’t let very many people know how deeply he felt for them. He cringed when he had to witness other people in what he called ‘awkward’ situations. To the extent of feeling weird for made-up characters. For example, we would be laying in bed, binge-watching ‘The Office’ when he would turn to me, shrug up his shoulders, make a funny face and say, “I can’t take it, babe…I’m just so emberassed for Michael…WHY does he DO THAT?!” I couldn’t help but giggle and feel emberassed with him. Oh, the hearts of two empaths….

But the deeper truth is, although he often acted like the biggest hard ass in the world, he was the most sensitive person I knew. You just had to peel back the intricate outer layers to see that side of him and very few people could, although his presence deeply impacted them. Technically, he didn’t dislike funerals because they were awkward. He disliked them because of the overwhelmingly heavy feeling that accompanied them. And I did, too.

…”They’re just so sad and depressing,” I continued.

“Yeah, viewings are even worse,” he said. “When I die, I don’t want a bunch of people to come stare at my dead body. I want to be cremated and I want everyone to celebrate because I had a good life”.

I always had to counter his simply good statements with a the words of a airy-fairy dreamer, “Besides, death isn’t the end. Why does everyone mourn like it is? The ancient tribes knew what was up…they celebrated the cross over”.

After Tj got his terminal diagnosis, he became very reluctant to talk to me about most things concerning his death or what I should do after. I would often become very upset with him, saying, “I don’t even know what your last wishes are”. I wanted to have heart-to-heart conversations with him about it all and he just didn’t want to go there with me…period. So when he passed I felt beyond overwhelmed. I wanted to do him right. I wanted it to be a perfect depiction of the life he loved to live. April 20th had been one of his favorite holidays, next to Christmas. Over the past couple years, we had made it a point to plan adventures to do that day. I had even asked him a couple weeks before that, what our plans were. Up until now, we hadn’t had any. Perhaps now we would…

Fit For a Mountain Man

Tj was a an outdoors kind-of-man. He love, love, LOVED the mountains. All day, erry day…and night. Anytime was a good time to go to the mountains, actually. Or the river to get a worm wet. We had a favorite camping spot at Kelly Canyon as far back as you could go, with a path to the river. I would often go down there to meditate or soak up the sun while Tj did his thing. There were also plenty of dirt-biking trails all around the area and baby loved to get down on his bike. The first time he took me out on the bike was on one of those trails. It didn’t matter that we had already been together for a few years, I still remember trying so hard to impress him. It paid off because he beamed with pride at my skills and told me how good I did. And he didn’t just give away compliments freely, he meant them. He had a such a way of making me feel 10 feet tall and bulletproof….

As these same memories came flooding back then, as they do now, it became final. We would celebrate My Love’s ‘Life he Loved to Live’ in his natural habitat, on one of his favorite holidays, at one of our favorite spots. But there was also something else I wanted to do…

My first time at the site where it all took place

Upon returning to Idaho from Washington after the news of Tj’s fatal shooting, I had visited the site where it took place. It happened to be the field behind our first house. The place where two lost souls started their new venture at life as freshly sober, law-abiding citizens. I had felt his presence so strongly. Within the first few moments of being there, my phone had rang. It was the meduim I had reached out to, returning my call. When Tj chose to leave the planet, I had instantly asked him to guide me to someone he would feel comfortable communicating to me through. One day later, I was given a name and number from someone close to us that didn’t even know that I was looking for that. The medium and I had a beautiful conversation about how he had spiritually prepared me for his passing before-hand and how he would continue to be by my side to help me continue on. After we decided on a definite appointment, I spent a few minutes standing silently at the spot where he took his last breaths. Waves of emotion washed over me. It was very intense but also, very healing. He had suffered for so long and the battle was finally over.

A week prior to the incident, I had begged God to relieve him of the monstrous burden he was carrying, as I wrote the words, “Tj is free of cancer and addictions” on a piece of paper and taped it to my vision board. I promised God and Tj’s higher self that if the easiest way out for him was earthly death, I would find a way to go on and make them proud. I wanted nothing more than to see him happy and at peace. I also knew that he would want to use his passing as an opportunity for his friends and family to find their own peace. Spending time at the last place he walked seemed like the beginning to that. So I invited the people closest to him to gather there before we headed to the mountains.

Tyrell Jon Larsen’s Celebration of Life
August 19, 1983-April 7, 2015

The memorial site adorned with Tj’s favorite kicks and hats. Along with flowers and balloons loved ones brought PC: Baylee Tanner Photography

Tj’s friends and family

Some of Tj’s favorites: Justin, Stephanie, and Berkeley. Some family, we choose.

More of Tj’s favorites: Granny and his niece, Blake.

As Tj would say, ‘our first-born son,’ Maximus

Tj’s long-time friend, Lacy and I. The first time we met and I, too, now have mad love for this girl.

Oh the bond between an uncle and his niece. She gives us messages from him, to this day. Pure sweetness.

When you go, just promise you’ll stay by my side.

After the first section of Tj’s Celebration of Life, I had a hard time heading to the mountains. An overwhelming feeling of resistance flooded in. I didn’t want that part to start because that meant it was closer to ending and once it ended, I had to begin the journey of fully accepting it. As I wandered through the fog in my mind, time slipped away and I ended up being an hour late to the mountains. That’s kind of how we rolled, anyways. But I hadn’t had to face anything hard, alone in…

…seven years…

And now I did. Not only that, but it felt like a lot of responsibility to mingle with everyone while feeling like a zombie in my own body. I didn’t even know who I was anymore. Or how to be. But as I made my way up to our spot, I began to feel a peace come over me. My sister had put out bandanas every couple miles to help people find their way. This was an inspired idea by our sweet, long-time neighbor, Heidi. I don’t think she knew the gravity of the symbolism behind them or how perfect the suggestion was…

Bandanas marked the way.

Tj’s gangster personality had an infatuation with bandannas and they always came out when he was ready to ride. But they also held a very special sentiment for me. Right after our relationship began, we decided to go separate ways to clean up and get straight so we could really give this thing, called love, a shot. It was one of the most difficult things I ever had to do and every time I had attempted it in the past, the darkness would make it’s appearance. It would enter the room and approach the foot of my bed, in the middle of the night. I would sense it’s cold presence arriving and fear would grip my body, mind, and heart. This unseen force would press down on my physical body, as if a block of concrete had fallen upon me. It would leave me unable to breathe, speak, or move. There was one particular experience in which those bandannas became a symbol. I had chosen to check into a rehab in California called Harmony Place when one night, it arrived.

I was raised mormon and had always remembered my parents teaching me to cast out dark entities by saying, “In the name of Jesus Christ, I command you to leave”. When I opened my mouth to speak this, the pressure and force would intensify which would send a sharp increase of panic throughout my being. In sheer terror, I dug deep and began screaming those words WITHIN my mind. Miraculously, the thing lifted. But it still continued to show up, even though I cast it away. After a couple experiences, I pulled out one of Tj’s bandanas I had packed and began sleeping with it. The smell of him made me feel so safe. I would sink into the comfort and security of what it finally felt to find MY person. The love I felt was so pure and connected, unlike anything I had ever felt before. And the darkness quit showing up. My knight in shining armor had finally arrived.

It’s truly amazing to me how the loved ones around us can tap into things that they don’t fully know and deliver messages to us from our loved ones on the other side. When our loved ones leave their physical body, there is a period of time that must be dedicated to learning how to communicate from different levels. Often times, they are able to speak to us through the people around us. Or from repetitive symbols. It’s a different form of communication and just as with learning a new language, patience is required commitment is essential. Just as we must put effort into our relationships here on earth, we also must work on them from the spiritual realm, if we wish to continue them.

A sunny day to celebrate.

Tj’s day was full of beautiful messages…

The weather was perfect for the end of April in Idaho. God and Tj knew that a sunny day was a must, for me, especially. I am so grateful that we were able to set out his bike and some of our favorite pictures of him. It was so peaceful with the noise of the river and the sun shining. Everyone seemed to enjoy chatting as much as possible, considering, as they ate and talking about memories of Tj. We laughed and we cried.

His other baby.

One of my favorite pictures of my man and our boy, taken at our same spot.

He still makes my heart beat faster.

My Family

So many people, I love showed up to support me too.

Tj’s Aunt Sarah and his Dad

One of the things that brought me great solace throughout this difficult time was hearing everyone’s memories of Tj. It helped me to feel his presence when I felt overwhelmingly alone. Death brings with it an irrational fear that you will forget the loved one over time. Impossible…but real. More than anything, I have wanted Tj’s memory to live on. I have wanted to be able to share the impact he had on not only my life, but everyone else’s. So I created a timeline memory book with all the pictures of Tj’s life. At the Celebration, we put out note cards for friends and family to write their most cherished memories or messages about Tj. That way, we would had something tangible to go with the reflection of the beautiful times we all got the opportunity to share with him. I also envisioned it continuing to grow over time. This book wouldn’t end when his life did because the true nature of who he is, didn’t end. He still shows up and helps the ones he loves, to this day. Whenever I begin to doubt it, he puts one of his favorite little girls on my path to remind me. He may not be here in body, but he is here in spirit and what a gift that is, indeed. One of my biggest goals on this path is to help others dealing with loss to see and feel comfortable with the knowing that death truly is an illusion of separation. And one that has the potential to be transformed. All we have to do is let go and believe what our inner wisdom is telling us.

A keepsake of treasured memories.

Tj’s brother-in-law also put together a tear-jerking video in memory of Tj that loved ones were able to watch.

My momma and sister.

The Last Ride

I’ve been to many equally beautiful funerals. The intention of this post is not to say there is no place for funerals. Instead it is intended to bring awareness to the difference in the paradigm of celebrating death vs. celebrating life. It’s also to invite you to explore how you, personally feel about funerals. When you move onto the next leg of your journey, how do you want to be recognized? What will facilitate the highest level of learning for your friends and family? It’s something to think about, determine, and express to those around you. The truth of the matter is that we will all die, and yet live on. The importance isn’t in how we honor each other, but simply that we do so. Are you ready to join me in focusing more on the continuation of our evolution as souls instead of the ending of our human life?

In Loving Memory of Brandon Stacey and Tyrell Jon Larsen.