Music Therapy: One Year Down Since the Day you ‘Died’

I can’t wrap my head around the fact that you’ve been on the other side for a year, now. Life without you feels like the strangest reality. One where I miss you with every fiber of my being but then again, know I shouldn’t because you’re right in front of me. Telling me to, “be cool” and doing that thing you do that always eases my mind and puts my worries to rest. It still works like a charm. But it also increases the level of longing ten-fold.

Sometimes I’m angry you left me here like this. But I know whatever you saw that fateful night one year ago that made you choose the path to leave this realm, I trust that. Because I trust you. You always wanted the best for me, even if sometimes you weren’t capable of giving it to me. This has been an unbelievably eye opening journey. I’m finding out who I am without you and it brings me full circle, back to you. I can’t escape it. I guess it’s a twin flame, thing. The intricate web of it all leads me back to the realization that this brief separation really is an illusion. And that eases things for awhile until another stab of longing for your touch, hits me. And this type of back and forth energy has been my emotional state for a year, now.

This is grief.

I can hardly find words to express it. The music does a better job. I can feel you speaking to me with the lyrics. Like when moms told me this was our song. It is fitting. I look back to where we were a year ago…

We were miserable. We were broken. We were surviving. Until we reached that pivotal moment where we were forced to face our darkest demons. But we did it together. And it made us stronger. If death and darkness can’t tear us apart, is there any force that could?

When I prayed and put on my vision board, you were free from cancer and addictions, I knew that it might mean the easiest path for that would be earthly death. Your pain was so great that I begged God to release you and I told myself I would find a way to cope. And I’m doing the very best I can.

Thank you Tyrell Jon Larsen. Thank you for sharing your life, your heart, and your soul with me. Thank you for inspiring me to keep moving forward. Thank you for being my best friend, my partner in crime, my outlaw, and my Clyde. Thank you for sharing your hope with me when mine runs dry. Thank you for choosing me in this life and forever. Thank you for being your best. I know I’ll see you again someday soon.

“You’re the shining to my star, I’ll be searching til I found you, wherever you are”….