The Gift of Unconditional Love

I feel like there’s some inner workings of my mind that I can’t possibly hold in any longer. I’ve been stuffing. You know that thing we do, as humans, where we expect intense emotions to go away by burying them in the dark corners of our consciousness. I’ve been doing that. And it’s so messy up in this joint, that somethings got to give. It’s time to release it. And the first step is to speak it….

Late last night, I wondered what it would be like to not exist. It was a feeling of overwhelm that prompted an existential thought of what it was like before I existed in this reality. It was a thought that appeared to come out of nowhere. But the truth is, I feel like I’m surrounded by the brightest light in the darkest cavern. I’m living a big, bucket-list dream in a way I could have never predicted was coming. I get to wander around the country, connecting with amazing people and enjoying my four boss babe horses and pitbull bestie. I’m currently at a part in my life where I could be on the road and headed half way across the country at the drop of a hat. I’m learning how to let spirit guide my directions and get into that flow of energy that carries me to the perfect place, to hang out with the perfect people, at the perfect time. It truly is magical. But there’s a looming sadness that I’ve been fighting to keep at bay.

The truth of the matter is, I feel welcomed everywhere I go, but I don’t really feel like I belong anywhere. This is a familiar feeling from the past and being a kid but all that ended when I fell in love with Tj. He had a way of understanding

me better than I understand myself, although I never gave him the satisfaction of knowing that. I’ve cautiously tried to enter the realm of meeting guys and my efforts have left me feeling unbelievably awkward. Sometimes, as guys talk to me, I pretend to be listening while my mind carries me back to Tj and what it felt like to laugh with him, touch him, and love him. I walked into a restaurant today and the man in the booth right in front of mine had his head bowed with the same grey and black Brixton hat Tj rocked. Much to my surprise, I got lost in an instant in the daydream of what it would be like if that were really him and I could sit beside him, cuddle up into his arm, and feel the contentedness of being with the one I love. I miss the surety that comes with it. I miss married life. I miss laying in bed on Friday nights, smoking, and watching our latest favorites. I miss feeling like I can be as goofy as I want. I miss Sunday brunches and late night drives. I miss listening for the whistle of his truck coming down the road, excitement building that he would soon walk in the door and I could hug him and kiss his lips. I miss being able to communicate without words and speaking our our own language. I miss the silly, random texts.

It’s hard to fathom that there was actually a time where I felt like I would be better off on my own. That the ups and downs of our relationship felt like a bigger burden than a blessing. There are times that I doubted our intense connection. I wondered what I was missing and this illusion became more intense, the more we drifted apart. Now that he’s gone, I see a different perspective. What I got to experience is something that some people spend their whole life or lives looking for. But it’s not an easy road to toll to experience unconditional love for another person. Let’s face it, we’re all human and part of the human existence is making mistakes. Big mistakes, little mistakes, and life-changing mistakes. At the beginning of our miraculous relationship, I used to think, “If Tj ever does this_________, or this _________, I’ll be done”. But as we grew together and experienced the second phase of our hell on earth, as he returned to the addiction we once shared, I had an awakening moment. There was no longer anything Tj could do that would make me not love him with the same intensity as I did now. The lies, the betrayal, the broken promises, the destruction, none of that was real. None of that was truly a characteristic of the man I chose to spend forever with. The man I chose as my eternal companion was still present somewhere, even if it wasn’t in this reality.

So I would go to that spiritual place of peace where I could be intimate with him and express my feelings without fear. I would ask the full potential of my man how to handle the overpowering conditioning of self-limiting beliefs that he was experiencing in his human form. And he would tell me. Little did I know that this was also an introduction to a new level of communication that we would have to rely on when he passed from this realm. I wanted more than anything for him to choose to stay with me and heal and be happy with me. I had no doubts that he could, if he could only get out of the ever-present darkness. My ego tried to tell me I wasn’t enough and pressured me to be resentful. But I refused to the best of my ability. I would not forsake him for the path he chose because that’s when he would need my love and acceptance most.

I remember one time when he was fully immersed in a delusional state of paranoia. He thought that the cops were following him to arrest him. He called me to tell me that this was probably the end for him and to tell me he loved me. I told him that I loved him too and that if there wasn’t meant to be for us to have the life we always dreamt about in this life, then I would wait until the next life, and that if we couldn’t have it in that life, I would wait until the one after that. I told him I would never give up on him. I told him no matter where he went, I would always find him and one day, we would get to have our happily ever after. I meant it. And, I believe it.

That, is unconditional love. Unconditional love is an unbelievably intense and beautiful gift. Sometimes, it may feel like a curse but that’s just an illusion. It took me facing my fear to fully understand that we’re here to live, love, and forgive.

Although the road has become my home, home is essentially where the heart is. And my heart still belongs to the one I love.