The meltdown sweeps over me, despite my valid efforts to shoo it away. One in a couple over the last 6 months since I began building this R.O.A.D. I have been procrastinating publication since I began. Two weeks ago, I told myself, “No matter what you are pushing that button in ONE WEEK”. Yesterday I told myself, “No matter what you are pushing that button TODAY”. After two hours of editing, I saved my work only to go back to my home page and realize it had reset. I haven’t been able to get it back to the way I had it, which I adored. Hence, the melodramatic reaction that led me to step away from the computer before I threw it againt a wall. As I went outside to observe the emotions sweeping over, I had a stark realization. Building a blog isn’t really different from anything else I’ve created. From my seven year relationship to horse training to building a business to getting healthy, a similiar dynamic unfolds.
The introduction phase of a project is usually sunshine and rainbows (or maybe just for us, dreamers?). Upon first generating ideas, it’s all excitement and fascination. You’re overwhelmed with the possibilities of creating something beautiful. It flows so effortlessly that it’s easy to profess your undying committment until completion. And that’s precisely when the challenges decide it’s time to grace you with their presence. How comitted are you? REALLY?
Because there will be the times when whatever you’re trying to give birth to will make you want to scream and pull your hair out (or throw your computer against a wall). You might seriously consider running away from the project and never coming back. The voice of your ego will get louder, telling you to retreat. But if you’re brave enough to face the unseen force that is driving you mad, you will eventually dissolve the barriers that are blinding you from seeing the precious gift that is being offered to you…the gift of creation. With it comes wisdom, patience, and an overwhelming satisfaction that your soul has been craving after years of believing the lie that you just dont have what it takes.
Sark says it beautifully, “Repression is the poison to creativity. The longer you repress it, the more stuffed down it becomes. Then you learn the negative self-talk, rationalizing and delaying that prevent creative expression…
Other people are artistic, not me
It never looks the way I want
I don’t have time now
Anything I write is garbage
I may as well just give up
I need to earn money first
I’ve waited too long now
Who cares?
I could never sing
I can’t draw a straight line
To this, I will let Martha Graham reply:
There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action. And because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your job to determine how good it is, nor how valuable, nor how it compares to other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open…whether you choose to take an art class, keep a journal, record your dreams, dance your story, or live each day from your own creative source. Above all else, keep the channel open!” (Sark, Pg 5-6).
I am no longer livid about losing work. I am no longer doubting myself, either. For this moment I have shifted into a state of wonder and reflection. I knew from the time I was young, that I was destined to be a writer. It always came naturally. Teachers often asked to use my papers as examples and my big brother begged me to write his papers, which usually resulted in A’s. I remeber thinking, “Is it really that good?” Sometimes I look back at things that I have written and cannot remember writing it. After completing my formal education, I quit writing. Being obligated to write papers throughout years of schooling stole the intial of expression I had once felt. As the years went by, rationality replaced my creativity. I had a boyfriend to be with, a business to run, horses to ride, a house to clean, and on and on and on.
“What appears to be resistance, is often a lack of clarity” (Heath, Audio. Switch: How to change when change is hard).
I was simply unclear about my purpose for writing. And now I am not. At the age of 26, here I am…finally ready to rid the poison of repression from my soul. I have a deeper knowing that my spiritual expansion depends upon it. There is no more time to hide who we are from ourselves and what we have to offer the planet. Illusions are crashing all around and remembering our power will light the way out of chaos. I have stood and am standing amisdt some of the darkest realities imaginable, holding the torch and calling for you. What many percieve as suffering, has really become a gift that I am now offering to those of you that feel lost, betrayed, or confused during this time of spiritual evolution. You are not alone!
Follow me and take a simple step today. Your creativity is the key that will unlock the door to creating your wildest dreams. Stop doing what you feel obligated to do and start living. And if you’re not ready for that, as a wise man once told me, then change your perspective from OBLIGATION to OPPORTUNITY. and watch the universe respond. Everything that you have experienced up to this point has been designed for your personal growth. You are not a victim. You are not unlucky. And it wasn’t random. Think of the worst thing that has ever happened to you. The hardest struggle that threatened to consume you. If you could go back in time, what words of wisdom would the new you say to the old you during the endurance of that tragedy?
Now ask the universe to bring you someone who is struggling with the same issue right now. Go ahead and tell them you know their pain because you’ve been there, too. Find purpose in knowing you walked the path before them so that you could guide them along their own rocky path. This is part of your purpose. Yes, the struggle may be real, but it is also divine. Don’t waste one more second resisting what hasn’t been clear. I bless you with clarity and strength. We all have a story, and we’re all meant to share it. Thus, begins the sharing of mine.